Hello, my name is Patricia Footloose and I must share this URGENT WARNING with all responsible adults.
⚠️ IMMEDIATE DANGER ⚠️
Dance Dance Revolution (DDR) is making our children QUEER
Exposure to this "game" can result in:
- Spontaneous dancing in public
- Increased rhythm and coordination
- Dangerous levels of confidence
- Appreciation for electronic music
- Colorful self-expression
How It All Started
My son Timothy was a perfectly normal, boring child until he discovered DDR at the local arcade.
Within weeks, he was:
- Moving his body to music
- Learning choreography
- Making friends who also enjoyed "fun"
- Requesting trips to the arcade
- Playing with DOLLS
I barely recognized my own child!
The Scientific Evidence
After extensive research (3 Google searches), I discovered the shocking truth:
"DDR exposes children to over 200 songs designed to make them move their bodies rhythmically. This can lead to a lifetime of enjoying electronic music, which has queer roots." - Dr. Lostasauce, Institute of Serious Concerns
Warning Signs Your Child Has Been Affected
Watch for these alarming symptoms:
| EARLY STAGE | ADVANCED STAGE |
|
• Tapping feet to music • Asking about "BPM" • Improved hand-eye coordination • Taking ecstasy in warehouses |
• Full choreographed routines • Knowledge of Kylie Minogue & The Crystal Method • Ability to "freestyle" • Dangerous levels of self-confidence |
The Dangerous Music Catalog
DDR exposes children to dangerously catchy music including:
HIGH-RISK TRACKS:
• "Heaven" by DJ Sammy (causes euphoric dancing)
• Kylie Minogue songs (increases fabulousness)
• "Butterfly" by SMiLE.dk (gateway to J-pop)
• "Boom Boom Dollar" (financial irresponsibility anthem)
• Various Eurobeat tracks (extremely infectious)
Concerned Parent Testimonials
"My daughter Sarah used to sit quietly in her room. Now she's always moving, laughing, and has made 12 new friends at the arcade. What have we done?" - Anonymous Mother
"Ever since my son discovered DDR, he's been more physically active, socially confident, and rhythmically coordinated. I don't know where I went wrong." - Worried Father
"My teenager now knows the difference between 4/4 and 7/8 time signatures. This knowledge is spreading too fast." - Concerned Educator
What Can We Do?
It may already be too late, but we must try to protect our remaining children from becoming:
- Rhythmically gifted
- Physically coordinated
- Socially confident
- Musically appreciative
- Fun to be around
EMERGENCY HOTLINE
If your child shows signs of DDR exposure, contact:
1-800-NO-DANCE
Our trained specialists can help you cope with having a homosexual child
Remember: A boring child is a safe child.
Together, we can keep our kids from discovering the joy of rhythmic movement (and men).